Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn’t it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life…You give them a piece of you. They didn’t ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn’t your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like ‘maybe we should be just friends’ turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It’s a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love.
The relationship ended with the same feelings one has on waking from a nap on a very hot summer’s day:confused, grumpy and still exhausted
You don’t have a soul. You are a soul. You have a body.
They call me coffee cuz I grind so fine
They call me coffee I keep you up past 2 am
They call me coffee because I’m really bitter and most people don’t like me without changing some aspect of what I am
Mental illness is like fighting a war where the enemy’s strategy is to convince you that the war isn’t actually happening.
Michael Creese, Vintage Air (2014), oil on canvas.
I’ve often seen people share that quote, something like “getting married at 22 is kind of like leaving a party at 9:30.” This does not offend me. I agree. I left with the hottest and funnest person at the party and we picked up a pizza on the way home and are snuggled up watching Mad Men together, and everyone else is still at the party getting super wasted and barfing on themselves and making regrettable decisions.
I began to realize how important it was to be an enthusiast in life. He taught me that if you are interested in something, no matter what it is, go at it full speed ahead. Embrace it with both arms, hug it, love it and above all become passionate about it. Lukewarm is no good. Hot is no good either. White hot and passionate is the only thing to be.
When people treat you like they don’t care, believe them.